They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
