I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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