First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
