Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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