You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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