Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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