this beer tastes like vomit already
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
