did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
