He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
