I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
