I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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