there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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