Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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