Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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