Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize