last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
