I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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