Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
