Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
