Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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