considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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