Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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