I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
