his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
