I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
