i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
