I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
either way he was missing a nipple.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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