He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
