onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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