I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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