DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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