drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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