So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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