The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
