I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i came on her dog
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
