I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize