This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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