I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
this hospital has no fireball
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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