I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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