You smell like stripper and shame
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
