I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
