Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize