why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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