Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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