i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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