I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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