There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
