I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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