my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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