Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Omg I joined a choir last night...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
