Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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