If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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