I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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