onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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