One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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