I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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