Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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