My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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