If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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