I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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