You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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