she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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