My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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