TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
