we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
